


good boys don't ride in cars with trolls

by oncewewerezombies



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society (Homestuck), Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Background Relationships, Bulges and Nooks, Exploration, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Frotting, Fumbling, Horny Teenagers, Human/Troll Relationship, Lover's Lane, M/M, Xenophilia, kissing boys in cars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-03-25 03:15:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13825293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oncewewerezombies/pseuds/oncewewerezombies
Summary: Dirk is not a good boy.And there's a really nice throwback of a lover's lane about twenty minutes drive out of town.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BagtheBagisnotaBag](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BagtheBagisnotaBag/gifts).



> So this is a gift for Bag (bulgethrust@tumblr) for the Homestuck Valentine gift exchange. They asked for some exploratory Dirk/Equius fumblings (along with a whole bunch of other great stuff), so here it is!
> 
> I hope you enjoy your gift.

There's been a long slow eventual fall down to this point. You're well fucking aware of that. He'd topped your scores in science, you'd cut the metaphorical knees out from underneath him in maths. Sometimes he'd crawl ahead, sometimes you. Sucks be to all the fucking pundits and talkshow hosts who insisted trolls were of a subhuman level intelligence. Zahhak would wipe the floor with any of them intellectually - none of them would be stupid enough to wind up in a Thunderdome match with him. A human and a troll might have entered but it'd definitely be the troll that left. The physical contest between some middle aged windbag and the statuesque and still not yet at the peak of his strength Equius Zahhak wouldn't be much of a contest at all.

He makes your kokoro go doki doki, that's what you guess you've been trying to admit to yourself for most of a year.

See when you say statuesque, you guess you don't mean what a lot of people would usually think of when using the term in comparison to a person. When you say it, you mean that his body is literally a defined wall of muscle, each alien group outlined under his skin. Like some classic Roman statue dedicated to the strength in a male body, in grey instead of clean washed pale creamy marble. You'd seen him taking his shirt off one day and had to go away to lie down somewhere with a damp towel over your eyes and think about your sins. You hadn't really gone somewhere to lie down; you'd kept yourself in check through your separated gym class (trolls and humans have very different physical requirements, in this case the separation kind of made sense) and then gone somewhere to rap to a wall about it. And beat your head against it.

Right now you have to wonder if you've given yourself a concussion at some point from how many times you'd done that, or if this is some sort of fever dream because despite both of your best socially awkward efforts to the contrary, here you are. With him. Mostly orchestrated by meddling, fussing females but you've come to terms with that; and besides at least two of the meddling fussers had actually been dudes. Joint effort - an effective work of interspecies collaboration. Anyway, you're getting distracted, and you have a whole lot to concentrate on right now. Your own type of interspecies cooperation. Namely involved right now in figuring out how the fucking heck both of you are going to fit across the back seat of your junker in a way that doesn't see one of you sticking their legs out a window, or maybe an arm.

He's broad and wide across the shoulders with what you'd have considered a deceptively narrow set of hips for the solid muscle of his perfectly sculpted ass (you should know you've spent enough time surreptitiously staring at the glorious sight in various degree of shorts) (Now you're getting to put your lecherous hands on it, hot fucking damn). You're long and lean with legs that Roxy refers to as going from over here to way way **way** over there, to the other side of the **galaxy**. You think she'd been saying it fondly - you're not entirely sure. You have a Suzuki Swift. It isn't the most spacious of small cars. You're starting to think this whole boning in cars thing is definitely a 50s throwback, because back then they'd had cars with a backseat worthy of the name. There are physics to be considered here, in the way that two physical masses can't occupy the same space at the same time. Maybe there's some kind of horny teen physics where this can be made to work, something you haven't got your head around yet in the mix of touching and groping and kissing and sweating the two of you are getting into back here.

Another thing appealing to your sense of scientific exploration is that it's one thing to see troll genitalia in a textbook, or even in porn (the internet is for porn, it's why the net was born, your brain unhelpfully supplies in a burst), but it's different when the bulge itself is stickily trying to wrap its way around your fingers. And your troll partner is panting, and sweating deep into the cushioning of your seats. It's much more fulfilling to see how you can take him apart, watch him bite his lip and grind his teeth, fingers digging into the back of the passenger seat where he's grabbed it, then just watching porn under five layers of security to try and keep your older brother off your back about your late night viewing habits. Both of you, shirts off, pants undone. One of his knee-length striped socks somewhere down around his ankle in an untidy slouch. Be still your fucking weeb heart. Still, thankfully, Equius is exactly nothing like any of those kawaii school girls, delicate and retiring. He is solid, and real, and _here_.

And he wants you. He'd told you so in careful, measured tones and that weird emphasis on all his x's.

You have absolutely no idea how he makes his typing quirk into an accent, but you fucking love it.

"This is ok?" you gasp, trying not to put your knee on his stomach or something. You're really not sure how any of this is going to work - any cop walking by is going to get a nice view of your pale ass, shining in the moonlight through the car windows, it's perked up that high. Equius has nobly insisted on taking the bottom position. You guess it's noble, he's the one with all the weight on top of him and the seat belt buckles digging into him - but he's also the one who doesn't have to be quite as careful about where he puts his knees. 

"Fine - Dirk, would you just come here," Equius groans, and his hand slides down your back, scarred knuckles touching your cheek briefly on their way through. His mouth is cool, tongue mobile and you suddenly have a panicked thought about what he thinks about your mouth. Is it too hot, too wet, too much saliva? What the fuck, what if you just don't kiss well at all? The little purring growl he lets out, and the way his hand tightens its grip on your shirt makes you feel like maybe you aren't doing too badly.

You're going to do this sometime in a room with the light on. You want to be able to _see_ everything. You don't have Dave's fetish for recording every fucking thing you come across, but you want to be able to see your boyfriend's body in full throbbing living technicolour. You know his blood is blue, which means if the porn's accurate, his bulge is too. And the slick stuff you can feel on your fingers as you try to touch and explore and coax more noises out of him, that's blue as well. Your hands are probably coated in it. It's worth it. You moan, making your own noises as he touches your body in return, both of you trying this whole thing out.

Oh god, this would be so much better in a bed. But you know he still shares his place with his lusus and the older, way more creepy smiling Zahhak - and Nepeta, on occasion. And you have a stalker of a guardian angel masquerading as an older brother slash guardian. You've already come home to lovingly festooned ribbons of condoms draped over your bedroom, all over the light hanging from the ceiling and trailing enticingly down to your small drafting table. You do not. Do _not_. Need to encourage him. He fucking encourages himself.

Besides, you've managed to get close enough to let Equius' bulge wrap around your dick and _holy shit that is so nice_. It is completely, freakily nonhuman and it feels like you're being squeezed in sensitive places by an amorous, slightly colder than body temp octopus. Leaning into it, you rut forward, kissing him. Touching those hard places on his sides, feeling the narrow groove of his nook as you rocked your hips long and slow. Letting his bulge squeeze at your cock as you somehow managed to make him pant and groan. You're not sure what you're doing right, so you just keep doing all of it.

Risk a harder scratch over the plating on his sides, and sink your fingers into his hair, pull on it so you can get to his mouth better. You're both unguarded, dense shades discarded on the dashboard on the car, safe out of the way of any fumblings or flailings. You've both done more than enough of both, but oh _god_ fuck yes, you're finally here. You've managed to find an angle and a way to move that has you both making sounds, bitten back but there. When your hand grazes his horn, the unbroken one (you're not quite game enough to touch the other), he full on buzzes. Harsh and discordant, something deep in the back of his chest (thorax). Like something out of a horror video game, some sort of chirping rasping mating call. Alternians, man. Who the fuck even knew.

By the way he grabs at your ass and hauls you down so you can frot harder against his flat stomach and his bulge, that tantalising feel of his nook against the base of your shaft and almost against your balls. Maybe next time, you can - you could - can you _even?_ Wait and see, you guess, but right now this is more than enough. You're probably steaming up the windows. Just you. He's cool to the touch, even if he's sweating up a storm and you rub your thumb deeper into his hornbed. Troll Cosmo, any better than actual Cosmo? You'd maybe googled some sex tips to when it came to sexing up trolls and Equius isn't saying no, he's making a lot of noises that seem to beckon on more. And harder.

So you fucking do. 

He takes that as encouragement on his own part and certain things start moving harder and _tighter_ and fuck, you think you could be addicted to the feel of his bulge coiling around your dick. Who fucking cares if this is all you do, ever. Orgasm hits you as you gasp out something you think is meant to be his name, shuddering as he snarls against your throat. Both of you shuddering, bucking, cumming. You don't even care that your genital region feels like it's been abruptly doused in cool Gack, something clingy and kinda dense. Roll your hips a little, riding out the end of your orgasm and pant your way to a stop, Equius' breathing harsh and heavy in your ear. 

"Nn...fuck..." 

Equius makes some kind of agreeing noise, hoarse and gorgeous in a way that almost makes you want to get started again, to your brief breathless exclamation. 

After lying around on each other for a bit, you pull back, getting a knee under you and look down at the welcome sight of well-fucked Equius Zahhak. God damn he looks good wrecked, that silky black hair everywhere and a sheen of blue down his face and throat from sweat. This was good for a taster - but you're gonna have to do some serious fucking research on how to do it even better. Onwards and upwards. You're not great at resting on your laurels. 

You lean in to kiss him again, and try not to think about the blue stain probably sinking into your carseat cushions right now. Right under your boyfriend's beautifully muscular ass. You hadn't expected quite that much slurry, somehow. Your own emission onto Equius' stomach, milky viscous white, seems minuscule in comparison. 

Shit. How are you going to get this off your car? 

Somehow you don't think any amateur effort by you is going to cut it. 

Dismissing it for the moment, you lean back in to kiss Equius, feeling the shape of his broken fangs and the chapped texture of his lips. Let yourself go in the moment. Something about him means you can actually do that. At least for thirty seconds at a time. Kissing him puts off thinking about just how visible that stain is going to be, so you let it. Kissing him is definitely something that demands 100% of your attention, so you put all the worries to the side for the minute and just. Enjoy kissing him. You're looking forward to doing a hell of a lot more of it. From the way he grips at your shoulder and returns the kiss with just as much eagerness, you're pretty fucking sure he's looking forward to it too. 


	2. Chapter 2

telaesthesicTrakehner [TT] started pestering timaeusTestified [TT²]

TT: I left a voucher for a deep clean at the car wash under your windscreen wiper.  
TT: Biohazard fees not included, that you're going to have to front yourself, young padawan. Consider it a fee for youthful exuberance.  
TT²: Are you fucking kidding me.  
TT: It's not like I could miss the blue stain on the light grey cushioning. Beautiful Rorschachian blotch you've created there, picasso.  
TT: Reminds me of a beautiful fucking butterfly.  
TT: I'm healthy, look at that living imagery I'm getting from this janky ass slurry stain.  
TT²: First off, mind your own business.  
TT²: Second, I can find a coupon myself if I need it.  
TT²: Third, mind your own fucking business.  
TT: Even when you move out, you're still gonna be my business, dude.  
TT: Call it a sociopath's approximation of familial closeness. I'm attempting to have a tender and bonding moment here.  
TT: Fine, whatever, you fucked it into the car, you can arrange getting the blot off the seats.  
TT²: Thanks every so fucking much, bro.  
TT: De nada.  
TT: Let me know if you need to break open your piggybank, I'll arrange a loan.  
TT²: I'm not going to say I make more than you - but I've got enough money to handle cleaning my own car.  
TT²: Which I also bought with my own money. Not just so I could fuck my boyfriend in it, but that's definitely a secondary purpose I was glad to avail myself of.  
TT: Look at my handsome independent boy, they grow up so fast.  
TT²: College next year.  
TT: Jesus fucking wept.  
TT: Let me know if you need some scratch for applications.  
TT²: That, I will do.  
TT²: It's the least you can manage to do to contribute to my general progress to acknowledged adult.  
TT: Still in for the MLP marathon Saturday?  
TT²: Shit yeah, couldn't keep me away. What are we doing?  
TT: I thought we'd keep it classic, so it's Licketysplit and Wind Whistler all the way. I was thinking movie first, then slide our way through the box sets.  
TT²: Cool. I'll see how much of my weekend I can keep open.  
TT: Don't drown in your boyfriend's splooge now.  
TT²: Ass.

timaeusTestified [TT²] stopped pestering telaesthesicTrakehner [TT]


	3. Chapter 3

timaeusTestified [TT] started pestering centaursTesticle [CT]

TT: Hey, Equius.  
CT: D --> Dirk  
TT: So there's this sweet fucking lecture at the college about the applications of AI in a post-capitalistic world going on next week.  
TT: Want to go?  
CT: D --> I would be delighted to attend this lecture in your company  
CT: D --> It sounds like a very enjoyable and enlightening event  
TT: Aight, cool. So that's a date?  
CT: D --> Absolutely  
CT: D --> <3  
TT: Holy shit yes, we're at this stage of the relationship. Fucking amazing.  
TT: <3  
TT: I'll send you some details, and I'll pick you up the half hour before.  
CT: D --> Sounds e%quisite  
CT: D --> I'll await your communique  
TT: Fanfuckingtastic. Since it's a school night I've got some work to do, and I'm sure you've got some too, so I better go.  
TT: Wait, one more.  
TT: <3  
TT: Oh yeah, that's the stuff.  
TT: Alright, I'll see you at school.  
CT: D --> Indubitably  
CT: D --> Farewell, Dirk  
TT: Yeah, ok.

centaursTesticle [CT] has stopped pestering timaeusTestified [TT] 

TT: Hate to see you go.  
TT: Love to watch you leave.

timaeusTestified [TT] has stopped pestering centaursTesticle [CT] 


End file.
